Mortified

Wednesday night I purposely humiliated myself in front of about 200 people.

The comedy show I was in, Mortified, went up last night. If you don’t remember what Mortified is go here…or here.

The entire day I was terrified. What if people don’t laugh? What if people don’t come? What if people throw raw eggs at me and ban me from ever setting foot in Los Angeles again?

Ok, so maybe I was overreacting.

But there was something terrifying about getting up on stage and reading your most private thoughts to an audience of strangers and having them laugh at your junior high pain.

As I was waiting backstage, I started to have an EXTREME case of stage fright. We are talking about the works – hives, shortness of breath, waterfalls in my armpits. And no amount of sternly repeating under my breath, “You are a professional, you are a professional,” was helping.

To make matters worse, the creator of the show, David, came up to me right before the band started and said, “Oh, by the way, you’re going first."

WHAT!?!?!

Why, WHY, would you put me first? I’m new to this! I need someone to warm up the audience! I need someone to jump in the ocean first to make sure there are no sharks!!

I felt the hives start to work thier way up my neck.

The show started and good ol’ Dave – who I now wanted to punch in the face - gets up on stage and says:

Welcome to the show! Tonight we have a special treat for you – before the show begins we want to share a video we did with Alanis Morissette where she shares some of her hilarious childhood lyrics.

Again…

WHAT?!?!?!?!

I have to follow ALANIS MORISSETTE??? Someone get me some oxygen…

The video ends and I walk on stage, trying to keep my arms down so no one will notice the half moons of sweat that have formed on my carefully chosen blue dress (the one that makes my waist look small.) I stand in the bright light for a second and then say,

Hi, I’m Jessica.

People laughed.

And I thought, “Wow, am I that funny?” But then I realized they were probably laughing at this:

Yep, that’s me (it's no wonder I had to beat boys away with a stick...) And that was me on Wednesday night, blown up on a giant screen in front of 200 strangers.

But something happened to me with that first laugh. I felt the hives start to recede and the sensation that I was going to pass out at any moment slowly die away.

I mean if Alanis Morissette can do it (and she Oughta Know) then so can I!

So I calmly started to just read my journals. The journals of an over-dramatic, angst-filled, sheltered, 14 year-old girl living in North Dakota in 1998.

And it was GREAT.

After everyone had performed my good buddy Dave got back up on stage and asked:

So, what did we learn tonight?

He listed funny bits from every performer's journals and ended saying,

But most of all we’ve learned that no matter how mortifying our teenage years were - we survived.

And I thought about what a terrible few weeks I’ve had and how I’ve been really down lately and how I've wanted to quit. But I didn't.

I survived too – junior high, and right now (which can feel like junior high.) I survived because of the people sitting in the back that cheered extra loud when I walked on stage. (Thanks guys!!)

I survived because my parents sent me lefse.

I survived because Kristi sent me toilet paper.

I survived because Michelle bought me face wash.

I survived becuase I know there will be a time in my life when I will look back on my journals from September of 2009 and think what an over-dramatic, angst-filled, sheltered, 25 year-old girl I was.

And that’s a nice thing to know.