It started out innocently enough. We were chatting about Hollywood and auditioning and we somehow landed on the subject of my blog.
This friend (who works in the business) told me that he loves my blog BUT I needed to make a significant change.
I looked at him like I might stab his eyes out with my pen and said as casually as I could:
Oh really? What an interesting opinion. What kind of change?
And while I’m not usually open to unsolicited criticism about my writing I tried to keep an open mind.
He told me that he thinks I write from the perspective of a girl who really wants to be a part of Hollywood but feels like she never will be. So instead I make fun of it. He thinks I should try writing with more of an ‘inner circle’ perspective.
There was a slight pause as I mulled this over.
I thought he might have been right. So I said:
You are totally wrong! How can I write from the inner circle when I’m NOT IN THE CIRCLE.
There was a moment of akward silence as he looked at me like I was the most amusing thing on the planet.
Ummm, sweety, you ARE in the inner circle.
I looked around frantically as if I could see some kind of bubble around me.
My friend smiled again.
It’s just easier for you to make fun of it than to be a part of it.
And that’s when I kicked him out. That kind of truth has no place in my apartment!
But I’ve actually been thinking a lot about it.
I do make fun of the industry because it’s easier to take their relentless rejection that way.
And it’s easier to write about what a nerd I am and how I will never be “that Hollywood girl, thank GOD.”
Because, secretly, I want to be one of them. I want to be in the club.
I thought about that as I was walking to my most recent audition at Warner Brothers.
The last time I had been on this lot was for my first big audition ever. The audition that most of you will remember as the “maxi-pads audition.”
I had been a mess. I had been wide-eyed. I had been excited to just be there.
But this time, I walked onto the lot and suddenly felt like this was a place I deserved to be everyday.
This was a dream of mine that had somehow (without my noticing) inched closer and closer to becoming a reality.
I had been knocking on the door of Hollywood for so long I hadn’t even noticed that someone had opened it. And they were just standing there looking at this blond nerd who just kept banging her fists against nothing instead of stepping inside.
Well I’m done knocking.
And as I walked to my audition something changed. I didn’t feel like I was visiting anymore. I belonged there.
Hollywood can be stupid. And fake. And a little ridiculous. But dammit – I deserve to be a part of it.
No – let me rephrase that.
I AM a part of it.