My Name In Lights

When I go home I always hear two things. 1. “You are so tan!!” (Even though I’m not, I think people just need to believe that if you live in California you will be eternally tan. 2. “You are so skinny!” (That’s usually my Dad, God bless him.)

Home is where I am right now, basking in the glow of old friends, my Mom’s rhubarb pie, and my grandparents asking when I’m going to be on “Everybody Loves Raymond.” (The fact that “Raymond” is over means nothing to them. I will never truly be a star until I appear on that program.)

I love it here.

When I step off that plane I always feel so much cooler than I do in Los Angeles. Suddenly I’m not just like everyone else. I’m the girl who lives in Hollywood! I’m the girl that gets asked her name by the taxi driver so he can “look for it in lights.” Whose masseuse tells her “She can feel I’m going to be successful because I have good energy.” At home when I tell people that I am an actor they get excited and interested instead of looking at me with eyes full of pity that I’ve gotten so used to in Los Angeles.

Admittedly, it’s fun to drop phrases like “Oh, this old dress? I just bought it at a boutique in Hollywood” or “Yeah, my agent is driving me crazy!” When I’m home, suddenly seeing Lucy Lieu at the gynecologist (that really happened) is not commonplace but something unique and exciting - something that sets me apart.

And maybe that’s what this is all about - coming home and suddenly feeling better about myself is rooted in the fact that I am having a different experience than everyone around me. I get to be a unique, colorful fish in a little pond instead of a dull looking minnow in an ocean of sleek, better-dressed fish.

In LA I’m always fighting against the girl who’s one size thinner, one inch taller, and one more movie more experienced. At home, I am just experienced enough. The fact that I have headshots makes me a superstar. And sometimes that’s what I need, to feel successful for just one moment.

Last time I visited my grandparents my grandma said to me, “I just don’t know how ya do it out there…Uff Dah.”

In all honesty, it’s because of people like her.