Crazy Train

I’ve been a little lonely lately.

Which sounds ridiculous as I am constantly surrounded by people.

But I just need someone to take the reigns. It feels like I am driving a crazy train and really need a break but no one knows how to drive.

Last night at work, I was feeling sorry for myself.

I had worked two other jobs that day, was still worried about paying my rent, and so tired I seriously thought I just might lay down in the storage closet next to the extra napkins.

My first table was a woman around my age. I asked her if anyone else was joining her and she looked up at me and smirked.

No. It’s just me. I don’t have any significant other or husband or boyfriend to eat with me. Just. Me.

I smiled uncomfortably and tried to maker her feel better.

I hear you. I don’t have a boyfriend either. But who needs ‘em!

I noticed her empty wine glass.

How about I get you a glass of wine?!

She looked at me for a second.

I can’t. I’m pregnant.

OH.

Well, shit.

I stared at her – unsure of what to do. Was it part of her plan or a giant mistake? I decided to err on the side of joy.

Congratulations!!! That is so great!

I tried to keep the subtle “RIGHT???” out of my voice.

She smiled.

Thanks. I’m ten weeks. It’s my ex-boyfriend’s.

Ugh.

Dammit, Los Angeles.

Just when I’m settling in to feeling sorry for myself you have a way of slapping me in the face.

JUST LET ME THROW A PITY PARTY.

But deep down I know LA is right. It could be a lot worse.

At least the only mouth I have to feed is my own.

At least I’m not homeless or sick or dying.

And when it really comes down to it, I’m not as alone on the crazy train as I think I am. There are a lot of co-pilots.

Like all of these people.

I spent a good portion of last week writing ‘thank you’ notes to those who have donated to Book Club. That photo doesn’t even represent half of the people we wrote to.

Sometimes I pull out that picture just to remind myself how lucky I am. There are a lot of people that care about me. And more than that – believe in me.

I have people who love me.

Who donate their own money to my projects.

Who would take me out to eat if I was recently dumped and pregnant.

And if for no other reason than that they believe in me, I put my shoulders back, grip the wheel, and keep that train moving forward.